It’s 8:13am on Tuesday January 16th, 2018. My name is Tim Dillard. Some of my personal achievements include, and are probably limited to… possessing more than twenty-seven free tee-shirts, owning six Star Wars coffee mugs, highjacking Tim Kurkjian’s microphone, beating Super Mario Bros. in under nine minutes, and was once given beard-care advice from Canada’s The Bachelor. I’ve also been a pitcher in professional baseball for the last fifteen seasons. With a HUGE majority of that experience being spent in the Minor Leagues. However, this one time in the Big Leagues, I did make fun of Trevor Hoffman’s cutoff sleeves… he laughed.
8:15am If this is your first time reading my Inner Monologue, I’d just like to say… shame on you! And… no excuse! But also kindly remind you that I’ve written ten others you should totally check out. MLB Trade Rumors was so desperate, that when I begged for them to post my articles they said NO. But later said YES! So did you hear that kids,
persistance percistence pursistance presistence percystence PERSISTENCE pays off!
8:18am Currently I’m trying to come up with something interesting and baseball related to type about… but for now I’ll just enjoy coffee out of my Princess Leia mug. It has two handles that act as her famous hair buns. Definitely as cool and nerdy as it sounds, and is probably my favorite mug in recent memory.
8:19am When I was FIVE years old I had an awesome Budweiser Clydesdales mug. I guess that could sound bad… but it was a promotional giveaway from the South Bend White Sox baseball team in way back in 1988. We were living in South Bend, Indiana and my fasha Steve Dillard was the team’s manager. I loved that mug, but almost every day that summer, a certain outfielder would take that horse mug right out my tiny locker. He’d stuff a paper towel down in it, and then use it to spit tobacco. Usually I found it nasty and abandoned in the training room. So I’d grab the mug and immediately go scrub and rinse the thing until it was once again spotless. But by the end of the season, due to my lack of proper dish care techniques, I had inadvertently scrubbed those majestic beasts right off the side of the mug! (a tear just hit my keyboard)
8:26am You know, forgiveness is a very important lesson to learn in life… and one day, I plan on forgiving that man.
8:27am Spending most of my childhood at Minor League baseball stadiums, is probably the reason I enjoy giveaways so much. For eleven years I ate my cereal out of a 1990 Tucson Toros helmet bowl! (to this day, the logo is still intact, because it’s gently hand washed after every feeding)
8:29am You know those softy balls that are thrown into the stands during baseball games? Well in 1993, at age ten, I thought up, planned, and executed the theft of nine, that’s right, NINE Kane County Cougars promo balls. (not my proudest moment) During the getaway, I also fell and scraped the back of my hand. I still carry the scar. And now, the back of my hand is a reminder, that if you steal… you will fall down and scrape your hand.
8:33am To protect my eyes in years 2010 to 2015, I wore giveaway sunglasses from the Nashville Sounds’ Roy Orbison Night! My first two pairs were broken when accidentally sat on. Hard to believe, but my last pair of the free Orbison specs were actually stolen… by the Pacific Ocean. (I hope the Pacific Ocean fell down and scraped its hand)
8:36am Rally towel giveaways, bobblehead giveaways, tee-shirt giveaways, hat giveaways, football giveaways, and then there’s firework nights, superhero nights, Disney Nights, and don’t even get me started on Star Wars nights!
8:38am In 2016, I was part of a Harry Potter Night at the ballpark. Dozens of people were dressed in very authentic costumes from the movie saga. They would act out scenes on the field in-between innings and also helped with the Culver’s Build-A-Burger Race. I’m usually way away from the action down in the bullpen, but I ran to the dugout when Harry Potter himself was casting spells next to it. Our first baseman leaned over the railing and asked if they were part of some sort of Fan Club. Harry stopped, turned, and said, “What? Most certainly not! We are students at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!”
8:44am We all kind of laughed, then we asked Harry, “So then you’re like, part of a costumed acting class or something?” Once again not breaking character, and waving his wand he said, “No! These are our house robes you MUGGLE!”
8:46am And that was the game… where I apparently met the REAL Harry Potter.
8:47am But the greatest giveaway theme night in the history of the world was in 1994. My dad was the manager of the Quad City River Bandits in Davenport, Iowa. And I was an eleven year-old thief with a sweet tooth. And then it happened. Like, something out of a dream… TWINKIE NIGHT!! Literally all-you-can-eat Twinkies! I remember pallets and pallets of Twinkies piled high at every entrance to the stadium! I ate a dozen before First Pitch, or as I like to call it, before “Mom Shows Up”. But as my Twinkie count went up, my excitement level went down. And by the 7th Inning Stretch I was sick. Realizing I couldn’t eat any more, I had to concoct a plan to maximize this special night.
8:55am Instead of trying to put a bunch of Twinkies in a bag to carry home, and risk being apprehended and regulated by my parents, I began hiding them! For the last two innings of the game it was like reverse Easter! Not entirely sure where the phrase nook and cranny came from… but it applies! In the clubhouse above lockers and in the inside of cleats! I hid Twinkies on the concourse behind popcorn machines and under condiment stations! Needless to say, I secretly ate a Twinkie every day for the remainder of that season, but I knew some were left behind.
8:59am Ten years later, I was pitching for the Beloit Snappers, and traveled to Davenport to play the Quad City team. Besides baseball, my only goal on my way to the field that day was finding at least ONE of those hidden Twinkies! When we arrived I learned the stadium had been heavily renovated six months earlier, but I was still determined. And immediately went hunting for two hours. The next day I spent a few more hours looking before batting practice. The last day I was underneath the bleachers on top of a storage room, when a stadium worker walked up and asked what I was doing. I couldn’t think up a lie fast enough, so I said, “I’m looking for a Twinkie I may have left up here ten years ago.” …he laughed.
To Be Concluded…
Want do you think your audience is, 6 year olds?
Seems to be your typing skill level
Ignore the person above me. This is probably your funniest column yet. I am still laughing about persistence.
Still laughing lol poor sense of humor
Yeah this is great idk what that guy is talking about. He’s probably the youngest one here. Probably 12.
What wasted time. TradeRumors you can do better.
I agree, a waste of cyberspace too.
No one forced you to read it. Besides the whole concept behind reading about and arguing about baseball trade rumors is wasting time. It’s not like any of us can actually do anything, so none of us are really accomplishing anything. And there is nothing wrong with that.
Who hurt you so badly that you can’t laugh?
Best column yet Tim, you side arming psycho!
I have been coming here for years and never posted a single comment.
I decided to register just to tell you that this post is cringe worthy.
Thanks for sharing, hope you feel better
typing is hard isn’t it Jay? But you are trying so hard, you’ll get there.
Oh good you went back and fixed your errors. Please go back to not commenting it’s to hard on some people, it’s for your own safety.
Happy New Year TIm.
This isnt really what im looking for out of mlbtr. I know i clicked, so yeah theres your click. But not interested in this type of content going forward. Best of luck
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.
Speak for yourself! I subscribe to the Tim Dillard channel on MLBTR
I’m been following this site since it was launched. I check it at least 50 times a day during the off-season and at least 10 during the season. I am a father, army combat veteran, with 13 yes of Management and have written several poetry collections. I consider myself a decent writer, at times – who, is struggling to find work. I love baseball, with a passion that goes back to when I was a kid. Smell of the ballpark, taking your glove to the games, getting a hot dog. I love this site, above all other sports sites out there….. It’s part of my daily routine. I do not, however, fathom or understand why, something like this is even considered to be on here. I’m not the editor, not my call or my thinking, so I know my opinion does not matter. I say that, out of love for this site and the accumulated breaths of air – the weeks and probably months total of my life, that I have spent reading and following, which has added up over time. I’m sure I could write something better, out of the box, as could alot of other people. This guy you found, has zero war value and I am going to forget that I read this, because I love your site – again following it since it was born faithfully – and I am going to get some coffee and try to get my air back somehow. My life clock is not happy at the moment. Lol
I also have 13 yes of management… and that’s why no one will hire you… you can’t write a short paragraph.
I’m just commenting to say this is something I do not wish to comment on.
Seriously, is it that hard of a concept that if something doesn’t interest you, just skip over it? If there’s an article on the Mariners I don’t want to read, I’ve found it’s easier to bypass it than to rant incoherently about my displeasure.
Thanks for your service! But you are WRONG! Tim Dillard is a writing genius. Best part of this whole site! Nobody is making you people read his stuff . So just ignore it
and go on about your day and leave the awesome musings to the real baseball fans! Keep it coming Tim!
Kemble, ur not funny…not one bit. Boring as all hell. Stupid too if you don’t get why we need Dim Tillard. Now HE IS FUNNY!
So Kemble, walk 5 miles a day for stress relief. You need it. Then report back next week and ask, “Hey, I’m 35 miles from Home! How do I get back?”
Frank….Hmmmmmmm? 50 times in the off season….10 times a day during the season yet you refer to Tim Dillard as “This guy you found”. That guy has written 1 articles very similar to this one….his inner musings. He has written during ST, during the season, and now twice this off season…yet you seem surprised. Why is that?
Who cares if you have kids or try to write poetry? This article is on here because it’s funny and baseball related. I’m actually upset at all the air I wasted reading your ridiculously long comment. You think Tim’s post is a waste of time? Then why waste more time typing all that crap? You were right about one thing though. Your opinion absolutely doesn’t matter!
If you read the rest of Tim’s posts the last year or so, you probably wouldn’t be on here complaining and telling us how great YOUR passion for baseball is.
I believe it took me longer to read this comment then the actual article.
Whoever doesn’t think this is hilarious doesn’t have a funny bone in their body, I feel sorry for you. Great work tim! Keep it up
Great read Tim, keep it up!
Was there a trade rumor in there that I missed?
If this site was only trade rumors……then explain all the free agent signings reported on this site.
Well done! Laughed quite a few times reading this. If you guys don’t like it, don’t read it.
Well done! I’ll return the favor and gift you a copy of my fun fiction, Once Upon a Tee Time. I’m Lee Stone and it’s available on Amazon.
If Tim ever finds that Twinkie, it will probably still be good. If they can survive a nuclear holocaust, they can endure some stadium renovation!
Great article, Tim. Some levity is always appreciated by this baseball fan.
I enjoy your inner monologues, Tim and glad to see them again. This one really took me back. I live near South Bend and remember going to Stanley Coveleski Stadium (The Cove) to see the South Bend White Sox play several times. It’s a very nice ballpark and those are good memories. Since those days they became The South Bend Silverhawks (D Backs affiliate) and recently the park has been renamed Four Winds Field, home of The South Bend Cubs. Still a fun place to go.
What the hell does this have to do with baseball rumors? What kind of crap is this?
If nothing else, his recollection of his mundane but occasionally funny time spent in the minors gives some insight to everyone who hasn’t done it and reminds us that baseball in the minors sucks…….
I would happily take his life.
I read this out of context while scrolling. Really threw me for a loop lol
Watch out Tim Dierkes. You have serious competition now.
Tim- I live in the Quad Cities, and the summer camp in town I worked at received a pallet of those very same Twinkies that summer… I took a box home at the end of the summer. I ate them until I pulled out a moldy one, almost two years later. I can’t eat another Twinkie to this day. Thanks for the post and the memory!
Tim, Having grown up in the quad Cities and played minor league baseball, this brought back a lot of memories. This brings back the child element and love for the game from a few different perspectives. I’ll bet that half of the current Houston Astros roster can relate, having played here in the quad cities, Hell even Joe Maddon played here. To the haters of this article….Your entitled to your opinions, but you can keep them to yourselves. There are a lot of things that being or playing at a minor league park provides that a big league venue cannot . It’s baseball at its purest (next to little league), Its community, its no frills and everything about family and the experience. all while watching the greatest game in the world.
Thank you Tim for an experience and not just another story!
Here! Here! Bravo sir! You have said it all and very well at that!
Funny, I like it!
Hey Steve, I looked up your stats;a few hits, some HR’s…nice cup of coffee
All opinions are welcome, as long as we stay respectful. As the owner of MLBTR, I agree with @highandtight above, who mentioned appreciating some levity. We’re publishing about 400 posts per month and I like having a few from Tim Dillard that are off the beaten path. Humor is subjective, and if you weren’t entertained, that’s OK, but we at MLBTR enjoy these. Please note that publishing inner monologues from Tim doesn’t affect our coverage of MLB transaction news.
I got a kick out of it. He’s got great enthusiasm in his writing. Truly a man who has loved his life around baseball.
you know what I envy the man he is doing numerous things that he loves instead of selling out and getting jobs at make high money he’s doing what he loves best wishes to you Tim I envy you
Well said, keep them coming
Thank you for bringing Tim to the masses ! Please keep him writing these forever! They are the highlights of the site!
I was having the conversation with someone not that long ago… and the topic came up, “How do some of these guys survive in the minors so long?”
Yeah, well, this is how. Enjoying the little stuff and keeping things in the right perspective. Obviously some of the people here don’t do either of those things very well.
I love your columns!
Surprised at the negative comments. Goodness we are a month from spring training, and a look at the lighter side of the game is refreshing !
Sadly it’s not shocking that people piss and moan about stuff like this. Seriously stfu, if you don’t like it, scroll on by. Probably the same people who’s servers want to stab them in the face at restaurants because they complain about any little thing. Get a life.
Heres to hoping you get another cup of coffee with the brewcrew this season Tim! I was a preteen in the early 90s at Kane County Cougar games and remember seeing guys like Alex Rodriguez and David Ortiz (Arias at the time) come through. Thanks for the stroll down memory lane and ignore the black souled muggles who are talking smack about your posts, they are great.
When is Tim Dillard Bobblehead night?
These people really like drinking that haterade
I don’t blame Tim, or MLBTR for this topic. I blame the slow off-season. This topic, though humorous and enjoyable, isn’t why I log on here. To me this is a symptom of a much larger disease. The disease of greed by free-agents and their agents.
There is a trade dead line. I now believe there should be a deadline for teams and players to come to agreement.
Christmas. Not signed by Christmas, you can still play the next season, but at league minimum or some sort of silliness like that. Also, the agent doesn’t get paid the next contract after that season.
These are just my opinions, and I know that idea would never happen. But if Tim can talk about effing twinkies, then I can rant in here.
Blaming the players and not the owners is dumb. The owners have more than enough money and the players are the reason people go to games, not to see the millionaire and billionaire owners in the posh suites. Why people feel bad for billionaire ownership groups I’ll never understand.
Anything to give more power and money to the owners right? It baffles me that, with the exception of Mets fans, everyone seems so much quicker to call a player greedy before they would an owner. I swear, some people have a dog-like obedience to authority figures.
DBH1969…when Tim Dillard wrote during ST and the regular season what did you blame then?
you know there are other options to get baseball news. No one is holding a gun to your head and forcing you to read this article or even read this website. I feel like I’m talking to a bunch of children here.
Three title suggestions for your next article: “80 More Reasons Why the Pirates Blew the Gerrit Cole Deal” or “Who Has Less Body Fat-Judge or Stanton?” or “What Color Starbursts Does Manny Machado Really Like?” That should keep some of the negative commenters interested at least until the first paragraph when they realize it’s another one of your creepy articles about baseball life.
I, for one, think they’re very funny and well written and a welcome break from a slow hot stove season but what do I know? Isn’t it time for another article on where Josh Harrison will end up?
If you think they are funny and you like them, why do you call his articles “creepy?” I don’t get it! They are not creepy at all
and that’s a bad choice of words to describe them . Maybe entertaining and enlightening would be so much better!
Was being sarcastic, Bruce. The point being that they’re not creepy at all. They are funny, well written, and enjoyable just like I said in my comment.
I had a Twinkie 3 weeks ago I think may be one of the ones you hid
Great post as always Tim, if it lets a few of the stressed and desperate post some negative stuff about how they were in the army or this isn’t a trade rumour, it only adds to the humour. Don’t stop writing, the world needs more smiles.
Hm. I open this app upwards of 50 times a day while awake and 10 times a night while I’m sleeping, in between running a network of spies in my job as a CIA operative, and bottle-feeding my octuplets. Normally all I see is asinine stuff like “Breaking News: Nobody Wants to Play for the Marlins” or “Big Market Team Acquires Eight Small-Market Heroes for Single-A Utility Infielder”.
This is EXACTLY the kind of post I’m hoping to find. Tim is awesome. Keep it coming.
I don’t get it. A veteran minor leaguer regaling us with stories of life in the game were all obsessed enough with to check this app 50 times a day, and all people can do is whine about MLBTR not posting about trades and signings (that aren’t happening).