It’s 11:30am on Saturday, April 8th, 2017.  My name is Tim Dillard.  Two days ago, I started my 15th season in professional baseball.  And even though I’m SUPER underqualified, I’ve journaled my Inner Monologue in three other posts for MLB Trade Rumors (Part 1) (Part 2) (Opening Day).

11:34am  I’m currently at the ballpark in Triple-A Colorado Springs, and have relief pitcher stretch at 1:00pm.  But until then, I’ve decided to jot down some thoughts.

11:36am  The multiple clubhouse TVs are showing baseball games while the clubhouse speakers are pumping out rapper 50 Cent’s music playlist.  In fact, he just told Shawty that it’s his birthday.  Congrats Shawty!

11:37am  One of the TVs has Tim Tebow coverage … looks like congratulations are in order again!  It appears Tebow hit a two-run home run the other day in his first-ever professional minor league at bat!  WOW!  Watching the replay of his post-game SportsCenter interview, reminds me of the two-run home run I hit last year in my first minor league at bat of the season.  Though … his post-game SportsCenter interview ran a bit longer than mine did.

11:43am  Okay, I was wrong — one TV has golf on it.  The Masters is on, I’m being told.  I’m also being told that I look like the homeless caddy from Happy Gilmore.  Must be this mesmerizing BEARD I’m parading around.

11:45am  Every year I’m impressed how versatile and knowledgable baseball players really are!  Right now golf advice is running rampant.  But next week, hockey sticks and body checking will start creeping into the locker room.  And after that usually comes overly-giant hats and jockey evaluating in honor of the Kentucky Derby.

11:52am  And whenever something is being thrown away in the clubhouse, you’ll always hear a “Jordan!” or “Kobe!” … or maybe it’s “Curry!” now.  Players talk basketball the entire baseball season … probably ’cause the NBA Playoffs last five months.

11:53am  But every four years, I daresay the FIFA World Cup takes over everything!  Complete with jerseys, reenactments, and multiple soccer balls!  And I bet there’s a spike in the sale of soccer cleats as well!

11:55am  FIFA is a big deal because a baseball clubhouse is home to so many backgrounds and nationalities.  It’s just a beautiful melting pot of pride and awesome!

11:57am  50 Cent is still at it … “I love you like a fat kid love cake.”  Probably my favorite 50 Cent lyric!

12:01pm  Remember a few years ago when 50 Cent threw out the ceremonial first-pitch at a Mets game?  And it was just the worst first pitch ever?  And everybody was making fun of him?  I didn’t … I’ve thrown pitches that bad before, and I’ve done it without being shot nine times.

12:04pm  The ceremonial first pitch in baseball dates back over a hundred years! (At least I think — Google if you care enough.)  What a special tradition, though!  I’ve witnessed hundreds over my career.  In fact, I was actually going to propose to my wife during a ceremonial first pitch!

12:10pm  I was pitching for the Class A+ Brevard County Manatees in 2005, and decided to propose at one of our games!  My plan was to get stadium management to trick my now-wife into throwing the first pitch, and I was going to disguise myself as the catcher.  So after catching her throw, I was going to run out to the mound to give the ball back.  But then drop to a knee, remove my catcher’s mask, and whip out the ring!

12:16pm  Now, I know what you’re thinking… “WHAT AN AWESOME IDEA!” right?  Well, about a week before the plan was to be executed, my now-wife and I see a sports proposal on TV.  Then she turns to me and nonchalantly says, “If you ever tried something like that, I’d say no.”

12:19pm  Okay so I’m not the brightest tool in the drawer, but kinda got the feeling an on-field proposal could be a bad idea.  “Now I know, and knowing is half the battle.” -G.I. Joe

12:23pm  But I have learned a lot over my many years in baseball.  Simple things.  For instance: don’t put a “BRU CRU” vanity plate on your car just because you’re in the Milwaukee Brewers organization.  And don’t get a tattoo of a flaming baseball on your arm, just in case you stop throwing hard one day. (I’ll admit I’ve done one of these.)

12:28pm  Being around baseball for a long time also has its perks.  Like: no matter what clubhouse I’m in … my phone already has the password, and automatically connects to the wi-fi.  And of course, infinite access to peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

12:33pm  Thanks to a generous teammate sitting next to me, I can safely say that the local gas station’s Rice Krispy treats are on point!

12:34pm  Clubhouse manager is walking around delivering the daily packages.  I don’t get a lot of mail these days.  But all the young prospects get boxes everyday!  Stuff like spikes, batting gloves, shower shoes, portable chargers, Bruce Lee shirts, candy, disco ball, camo tights, Quench Gum, cribbage board, Aerobies.

12:36pm  Hey I actually did get mail!  Crap.  It’s from my bank.  Says my credit card was compromised again and sent me a new card. Looks like they got suspicious from purchases made last week in Arizona, Wisconsin, and Colorado… and one online order for exotic beard oil.

12:38pm  CRAP!  I need to hurry up.  Don’t want to be late for stretch!

12:38pm  Come to think of it, when I was a kid, my brothers and I weren’t allowed to use the word crap.  It was on the bad word list.  My mom would wash our mouths out with soap if we let the crap word fly.  I still have a hard time using Dial soap.

12:41pm  Ah yes, the clubhouse… so full of life and sound.  Like a cross between Chuck E. Cheese and a Play It Again Sports.

To Be Concluded…

It’s 8:33pm on Monday April 3rd, 2017.  (That’s right, it’s 2017 and Mattel still hasn’t delivered on a real Hoverboard)  Anyway, the past 3 nights I’ve slept in 3 different hotels in 3 different cities in 3 different states.  My schedule has been a little sporadic, so I thought I’d slow things down and type some thoughts for an hour… or at least until the NyQuil does its thing.

8:37pm  First off, I’d just like to congratulate all MLB and MiLB players who made an Opening Day roster somewhere!  It’s a very special accomplishment, and shouldn’t be taken for granted.  And it also means that, after waking up at 5am in spring training for the last 6 weeks … you are now allowed to sleep till noon and go to bed at midnight!

8:41pm  Oh yeah, my name is Tim Dillard.  And this is the third time logging my Inner Monologue for MLB Trade Rumors.  (Part 1 and Part 2)  I’m currently watching Opening Day baseball in a hotel in Colorado Springs, Colorado.  And I am proud to be on a professional Minor League baseball roster for my 15th season!

8:43pm  Making an Opening Day roster anywhere is the equivalent to winning an award!  It’s like the end of Star Wars, where Han Solo and Luke Skywalker are awarded medals!  The few years I didn’t make an Opening Day roster, I felt a bit more like Chewbacca… who was there and did stuff, but didn’t get a medal. *insert pity party emoji

8:45pm  I should really stop using Star Wars analogies though.  Cause one time… I had a former friend tell me he didn’t like Star Wars.

8:48pm  Just heard a lady swearing out in the hallway!  Sounds like she’s upset that her key card doesn’t work.  That’s true.  That can be frustrating.  When you check into a hotel, go up the elevator, drag luggage down the hall, find your room, and the key doesn’t work!  #$%^>*&@!

8:50pm  Last week I was the odd man out, and played catch with a pitching coach.  He looked a little frustrated with me, as I “nonchalantly” tried to make EVERY throw extra hard and extra awesome!  I over-do-it throwing with members of the coaching staff for 2 reasons:  First, I’m always looking for an opportunity to try and impress the coaches… and I forgot the other reason.

8:55pm  The NyQuil may be preparing its magic, so I better type fast.

8:56pm  The other day I was fortunate enough to be in Milwaukee to help back up the Brewers for their Exhibition Games before Opening Day!  I didn’t get to pitch, but got to soak up several memorable moments!

8:59pm  One of the moments was just putting on a Big League Brewers uniform in that clubhouse!  Something I haven’t done since July 2012!  I began thinking of all the mounds I’ve pitched on, and all the places I’ve been between then and now.  Very special.

9:01pm  The other moment was something I had never experienced before!  After the last Exhibition Game concluded, there was NEARLY zero time to catch my return flight back to the Minor Leagues.  So let’s just say, that the person next to me on the 3 and a half hour plane flight could smell a combination of Dubble Bubble and Flexall.  Aaaaannd that’s the first time in my career I’ve played a baseball game in one state, and showered in another.

9:07pm  Speaking of interesting flights, this past December I was on a plane with PGA golfer Jordan Spieth!  Yeah I don’t watch golf, but somebody told me it was him.  And that he was famous!  So naturally I consulted google after we landed.  But it was interesting because, right after I googled him… I looked up, and saw Jordan Spieth looking at me and typing on his phone.  Kinda got the feeling he was googling ME.

9:13pm  Anyway sorry to name-drop.  Not sure why I shared that story.  I really don’t like name-dropping that much.  In fact, I was talking about that with Ryan Braun last week.

9:15pm  Also last week, I made some Latin music videos for Twitter and Instagram.  It was fun.  But the response I got was incredible!  Venezuela, Puerto Rico, Dominican Republic, Panama, even Telemundo in Milwaukee!  It’s like no one’s ever seen a gringo perfectly lip-syncing Spanish mega-ballads before!  But yes for the record… no habla español.

9:18pm  But I did buy Rosetta Stone before I flew to Mexico to play baseball in spring 2013!  Only to give up after it constantly taught me how to ask about the current state of the foresting industry in Chile.

9:24pm  Hold on, I’m reading NyQuil’s side effects.  Interesting.  Along with “constipation” and “diarrhea,” one of the side effects is actually, “trouble sleeping.”  I guess they have to put those on there to make sure they cover all their bases.

9:27pm  Tonight is the Men’s NCAA Basketball Championship!  It’s between team such and such, and team yada yada… actually I don’t really know who’s playing.  My junior college Alma Mater didn’t make the cut this year, so I don’t really care who wins.

9:30pm  Yesterday a teammate asked me how many teams were in the Final Four.  Later he asked me how I’ve managed to play baseball as long as I have.  My answer to both questions was the same: “Listen man, I really need to take a shower.”

9:34pm  This is my 2nd night in Colorado Springs.  And after all my recent hard work and exercise in Arizona… today, I was easily defeated by a flight of stairs.  Adjusting to 6,000 feet above sea level is no joke.  The important thing is to be patient, and wait for the elevator.

To Be Concluded…

Confused? It may or may not help if you read Part I and Part II.

A few weeks ago I blogged my Inner Monologue for MLB Trade Rumors.  They decided it didn’t suck that bad, and asked if I’d write down some more thoughts… so now, back by not a whole lot of demand, my Inner Monologue Part 2!

It’s 4:08pm on Saturday March 25th, 2017.  My name is Tim Dillard.  I’m 32 years and 614 days old.  I’m a relief pitcher trying to win a spot for my 15th professional baseball season.  I’m currently in Arizona as part of Minor League spring training with the Milwaukee Brewers baseball club team organization.  I’m married and have 3 kids.  I enjoy movies, Star Wars, and movies about Star Wars.

4:11pm  I really need to work on my opening paragraphs for these blog things.  I remember my speech teacher back in college saying that the key to giving a good speech or writing an article, is to always start off with a funny joke.

4:12pm  But I can’t think of one.

4:13pm  Probably because I’m a little pressed for time.  My aforementioned offspring are enjoying nap/quiet time right now.  And according to my calculations, they will be standing on the furniture in 47 minutes.  And by furniture, I mean hotel furniture (so who cares really).  And by my calculations, I mean my watch.  And by my watch, I really mean the clock on my iPhone.

4:16pm  Yesterday a teammate walked in the clubhouse carrying coffee and wearing a huge round fancy wristwatch.  So just to be stupid, I asked him what time it was.  The guy stopped… dug his watch hand into his pocket… and emerged with a smart phone.  He hit the button to make the screen light up, but it was upside down.  But after repositioning his coffee between his arm and chest, he managed to flip the phone right side up.  “It isssssssss 6:37.”

4:20pm  Oh no, just heard a faint child cry from the other room… I’m betting it’s either my 18-month-old or my 76-month-old.

4:23pm  False alarm.  It was the TV.  Tell me again why ad agencies continually think it’s a good idea to have crying babies in their commercials?  I may be alone on this, but the sound of a crying baby in the house puts me on high alert.

4:28pm  Not sure why the TV was on anyway.  I really don’t watch that often. Unless you count sports, or the Dancing with the Voice Bachelor Project show my wife insists we view together.

4:29pm  During team stretch today, some of the guys were talking about the new Netflix show A Series of Unfortunate Events.  Jokingly, I asked if that was the show loosely based on my baseball playing career… no one laughed.  But honestly shouldn’t there be a show about the Minor Leagues?

4:34pm  Think about it… the plot could center around a Triple-A team.  It could be filmed in the offseason at any of the hundreds of unused baseball stadiums around the country.  It would probably work best as a dramedy.  And as far as casting and stunts, just call on former pro players who want to show off their acting chops!  Quick, anyone have Michael Bay’s err Steven Spielberg’s email?!

4:41pm  Just imagine the movie Summer Catch… but like completely different in every way.

4:42pm  Last week before batting practice, a bunch of position players were talking about the movies they have on digital download or their very legal hard drive.  So me being fluent in the language of movies, I naturally butted in on the fun.  But got some weird looks from the younger guys when I mentioned I had VHS growing up.

4:47pm  That same day I had a milestone event in my baseball career!  At the Angels stadium out here in Phoenix, I managed to pitch 2 different times in the same game!  I came in to end the 3rd inning, then came in again to end the 4th.  I know the rules can be bent in spring training, but pretty sure that’s the first time I’ve had 2 appearances in 1 game.  Guess I can add that to my list of strange career highlights.

4:51pm  It will sit right up there next to:  bunting in a hail storm, pitching with a broken hand, almost winning a fan a new mattress, breaking a 107-year-old record for most hit batters in a season, escaping a bases loaded jam with ice cream on my face, being ejected, stadium lights turning off mid-pitch during a potential no-hitter, maintaining a career Major League batting average of .500, almost tackling Will Ferrell in the outfield, fielding a groundball off a giant boulder, hitting a bird mid-flight with a pitch… never mind, actually, that last one happened to Randy Johnson.

4:59pm  No kids have emerged from slumber as of yet, so I guess I’ll keep typing.

4:59:49pm  And not to brag, but I was once one of the top 10 or 15 typers in my entire 8th grade class.  I was also third-string quarterback.  And that same year, during Awards Day at school, I was unable to accept my Perfect Attendance Trophy due to sickness.

5:02pm  Today starts the closing week of Minor League spring training 2017.  And for players, it can be a very difficult and emotional time.  With so many decisions left to be made, players wait, wonder, and worry about what will happen next.  Which Minor League team roster will I make?  Am I really ready for opening day?  Who do I ask to be roommates for the next 5 months?  How do I find an apartment in just a few days time?  What if I don’t make a team?  What if I get released?

5:09pm  These thoughts are real.  These thoughts are scary.  And there isn’t a vaccine or antibiotic to stop them from spreading. (believe me)

5:11pm  I told a rookie yesterday to stay strong and stay standing to the very end of spring training… I honestly have no idea what this means.  May have stolen it from a Facebook picture with a cat on it.  But I’d like to think what I meant was: to keep fighting and keep grinding and show the decision makers everything you are.  That will put you in the best possible position to be awarded a baseball season.

5:13pm  “I’m in a glass case of emotion!” -Ron Burgundy

5:14pm  The sound of furniture under attack means I’m done for now.

To Be Concluded…

It’s 6:18pm in Pheonix, Arizona.  Sunday March 12th, 2017.  My name is Tim Dillard.  I’m 33.  I play professional baseball, and after a day of Spring Training practice… I’m sitting in a hotel room trying to think of something to write about for MLB Trade Rumors.  They contacted me with the false hope I could write something truly captivating and insightful about baseball.  So after very little reflection and contemplation, I’ve decided to just start typing the inner thoughts about my day.  At this particular moment, yes I do think this is a good idea.

6:21pm Okay wait, did I just misspell Phoenix a few minutes ago?  I must be tired.  During spring training, because of how early practice is, I usually go to bed around 8pm.  I blame the sun.  The sun out here is notorious for draining the energy right out of you.  Or I could just be hungry.

6:48pm Well my trip to Taco Bell was indeed a success!  Much like yesterday… and most of last week.

6:49pm Usually when I’m away from home, I try to eat at all the places my wife refuses to dine.  Tomorrow I’m hitting up Long John Silver (which conveniently shares a building with Taco Bell).

6:53pm Today, in-between spring training activities, I made time to share some of my baseball knowledge and wisdom with a younger generation of ballplayers.  And they found time to remind me that I am still the oldest and most bearded guy in Brewers Minor League camp this year.  But in their defense, I did utter these phrases at the field today: “Back in my day.”, and of course, “Not my first rodeo!”

6:55pm This is my 14th spring training.  And over my career I’ve had the privilege of 12 spring trainings with the Milwaukee Brewers team, and also participated in 2 spring trainings with the unemployment team.  Which means I’m enjoying myself, and appreciating baseball now more than ever.

6:58pm Because now at this stage everything is much more precious.  My past experiences have taught me to treat EVERY stretch, throwing program, sprint work (not poles), meeting, groundball, light weight training, bunt play, another meeting, conversation, workout, that other meeting, or whatever… with a tangible awareness that I have no idea which day will be my last in a baseball uniform.

7:01pm *grabs tissue, dabs eye* … Allergies out here can be challenging.

7:04pm You know what, looking around, I just noticed I’ve had the exact same room at this hotel for the last 3 spring trainings.  Hmm, I wonder how many people have slept in this bed since I was here last?

7:06pm Anyway.  During batting practice today I was asked why I run around the outfield like an idiot picking up baseballs.  The curious kid that asked is in his very first spring training camp.  So I walked up to the young buck (just over half my age), put my hand on his shoulder and said, “Eye wash man!  It’s eye wash!  I’m just trying to make sure all these coaches out here notice me hustling!”  Cause that’s what it’s all about.

7:09pm I mean, that’s part of it I’m sure, but I think some of it is just me being afraid.  Like in the movie Field of Dreams.  You remember the part when the young ballplayer runs over to help the little girl?  And as soon as he steps off the field he instantly transforms into the old white-haired Doctor “Moonlight” Graham?  (spoilers) Then we realize he’ll never be able to go back and play baseball ever again!  Well that’s kind of how I feel.  Except instead of being afraid of transforming into an 87 year-old mustached doctor, I’m afraid every time I leave, a security guard will be instructed to not let me back in.

7:14pm Right now baseball is in full swing (<-pun) and the excitement for baseball is palpable!  Like a hibernating bear that wakes up and just screams at everybody.  Spring training is that awakening!  Not sure who thought it up (you can google it), but it perfectly EASES players, umpires, coaches, broadcasters, bat boys, mascots, popcorn vendors, instant replay technicians, and of course fans seamlessly into another year of baseball history!

7:22pm My roommate just walked in, and has confirmed our room smells like tacos… with just the tiniest hint of fish.

7:25pm Hold on, got a text message…

7:26pm It’s an unnamed teammate asking what time stretch is in the morning.  When I get texts like this I usually send the picture I took of the weekly schedule posted in the clubhouse.  I always take a picture of the schedule because that’s what professional baseball does!  It makes you SUPER paranoid about being late… for anything… ever!  This is one of those times paranoia is a good thing.  Because as the saying in baseball goes, “If you’re 5 minutes early, You’re 10 minutes late!”

7:36pm Let’s see, what else happened today?  Oh yeah, I was asked about the first time I was called up to the Big Leagues.  Oh man, these stories are the life blood for Minor League baseball players.  We need them.  Because it proves The Show is in fact a real place and possibly within grasp.  And players crave inspiration.  So what could be better than hearing a first hand account of toeing the rubber in a Major League baseball game!  But actually my Big League Debut story is kind of an average story at best.  In fact, the best part of my debut story is what happened after the game: with me, on a sidewalk, being mistaken for star Milwaukee Brewers pitcher Ben Sheets!  Anyway, let’s just say there’s a gentleman out there somewhere with 14 Ben Sheets baseball cards with the signature “Tim Dillard48” scribbled on it!

7:48pm Okay yeah it’s late. As soon as my roommate finishes playing his Call of Medal Duty game, I’m falling asleep in this bed… and pretending it’s a brand new mattress.

To Be Concluded…

You can follow Tim @DimTillard and read more of his work at his blog.