It’s 11:30am on Saturday, April 8th, 2017. My name is Tim Dillard. Two days ago, I started my 15th season in professional baseball. And even though I’m SUPER underqualified, I’ve journaled my Inner Monologue in three other posts for MLB Trade Rumors (Part 1) (Part 2) (Opening Day).
11:34am I’m currently at the ballpark in Triple-A Colorado Springs, and have relief pitcher stretch at 1:00pm. But until then, I’ve decided to jot down some thoughts.
11:36am The multiple clubhouse TVs are showing baseball games while the clubhouse speakers are pumping out rapper 50 Cent’s music playlist. In fact, he just told Shawty that it’s his birthday. Congrats Shawty!
11:37am One of the TVs has Tim Tebow coverage … looks like congratulations are in order again! It appears Tebow hit a two-run home run the other day in his first-ever professional minor league at bat! WOW! Watching the replay of his post-game SportsCenter interview, reminds me of the two-run home run I hit last year in my first minor league at bat of the season. Though … his post-game SportsCenter interview ran a bit longer than mine did.
11:43am Okay, I was wrong — one TV has golf on it. The Masters is on, I’m being told. I’m also being told that I look like the homeless caddy from Happy Gilmore. Must be this mesmerizing BEARD I’m parading around.
11:45am Every year I’m impressed how versatile and knowledgable baseball players really are! Right now golf advice is running rampant. But next week, hockey sticks and body checking will start creeping into the locker room. And after that usually comes overly-giant hats and jockey evaluating in honor of the Kentucky Derby.
11:52am And whenever something is being thrown away in the clubhouse, you’ll always hear a “Jordan!” or “Kobe!” … or maybe it’s “Curry!” now. Players talk basketball the entire baseball season … probably ’cause the NBA Playoffs last five months.
11:53am But every four years, I daresay the FIFA World Cup takes over everything! Complete with jerseys, reenactments, and multiple soccer balls! And I bet there’s a spike in the sale of soccer cleats as well!
11:55am FIFA is a big deal because a baseball clubhouse is home to so many backgrounds and nationalities. It’s just a beautiful melting pot of pride and awesome!
11:57am 50 Cent is still at it … “I love you like a fat kid love cake.” Probably my favorite 50 Cent lyric!
12:01pm Remember a few years ago when 50 Cent threw out the ceremonial first-pitch at a Mets game? And it was just the worst first pitch ever? And everybody was making fun of him? I didn’t … I’ve thrown pitches that bad before, and I’ve done it without being shot nine times.
12:04pm The ceremonial first pitch in baseball dates back over a hundred years! (At least I think — Google if you care enough.) What a special tradition, though! I’ve witnessed hundreds over my career. In fact, I was actually going to propose to my wife during a ceremonial first pitch!
12:10pm I was pitching for the Class A+ Brevard County Manatees in 2005, and decided to propose at one of our games! My plan was to get stadium management to trick my now-wife into throwing the first pitch, and I was going to disguise myself as the catcher. So after catching her throw, I was going to run out to the mound to give the ball back. But then drop to a knee, remove my catcher’s mask, and whip out the ring!
12:16pm Now, I know what you’re thinking… “WHAT AN AWESOME IDEA!” right? Well, about a week before the plan was to be executed, my now-wife and I see a sports proposal on TV. Then she turns to me and nonchalantly says, “If you ever tried something like that, I’d say no.”
12:19pm Okay so I’m not the brightest tool in the drawer, but kinda got the feeling an on-field proposal could be a bad idea. “Now I know, and knowing is half the battle.” -G.I. Joe
12:23pm But I have learned a lot over my many years in baseball. Simple things. For instance: don’t put a “BRU CRU” vanity plate on your car just because you’re in the Milwaukee Brewers organization. And don’t get a tattoo of a flaming baseball on your arm, just in case you stop throwing hard one day. (I’ll admit I’ve done one of these.)
12:28pm Being around baseball for a long time also has its perks. Like: no matter what clubhouse I’m in … my phone already has the password, and automatically connects to the wi-fi. And of course, infinite access to peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
12:33pm Thanks to a generous teammate sitting next to me, I can safely say that the local gas station’s Rice Krispy treats are on point!
12:34pm Clubhouse manager is walking around delivering the daily packages. I don’t get a lot of mail these days. But all the young prospects get boxes everyday! Stuff like spikes, batting gloves, shower shoes, portable chargers, Bruce Lee shirts, candy, disco ball, camo tights, Quench Gum, cribbage board, Aerobies.
12:36pm Hey I actually did get mail! Crap. It’s from my bank. Says my credit card was compromised again and sent me a new card. Looks like they got suspicious from purchases made last week in Arizona, Wisconsin, and Colorado… and one online order for exotic beard oil.
12:38pm CRAP! I need to hurry up. Don’t want to be late for stretch!
12:38pm Come to think of it, when I was a kid, my brothers and I weren’t allowed to use the word crap. It was on the bad word list. My mom would wash our mouths out with soap if we let the crap word fly. I still have a hard time using Dial soap.
12:41pm Ah yes, the clubhouse… so full of life and sound. Like a cross between Chuck E. Cheese and a Play It Again Sports.
To Be Concluded…